Rough night

Tonight I had a huge breakdown. It has been a really tough day for us. My oldest son, Oliver had a huge meltdown tonight which felt like it lasted forever. I never want to be looked at as a weak person but when my days are super rough, at the end of the day when I'm ready for bed, I breakdown and cry. I never want my kids to see how broken I get when things go wrong. I'm sure it doesn't help that my hormones are out of whack today so everything is making me cry. It is always a battle with Oliver at bedtime. He lays down fine then all of a sudden he wants to get up and run around the house at 11pm, and he has been up since 8am this morning with no nap. He gets so angry when I tell him to lay down that he throws things and hits things and I know most of the time he doesn't realize that he is doing these things til he starts to calm down, then gives me a hug and tells me he loves me. Most of the time its the unknown that sets him off and that's the wonders of autism sometimes. Things I try to understand but can't. When he goes to bed he always needs certain things out of the room or he refuses to sleep in there. And example, he doesn't like when shoes are in the room when the lights are off so he freaks out, or trucks, he cant have trucks in his sight when the lights are out. Certain things trigger him and he gets upset. They are easy fixes. I just get rid of the shoes and trucks but there are times he just gets frustrated out of nowhere and I hug him tight and rub his back til he kind of melts in my arms and relaxes. Pressure and touch is his go to that helps him calm. He has a hard time soothing himself. My 2 year old just found his soothing technique. Whenever he starts to get upset he lays his head down on the floor and then waits it out and then he is good. But Oliver is harder to soothe. I didn't plan on writing this much but it's time for bed. Night all. :)